10 Things You Sort of Wanted to Know About Andy Lynes But Couldn't Be Bothered to Ask

Why did you become a food writer?

It's always been my ambition to find a job where I could slowly kill myself by overeating and drinking and die a pauper. Some people never find out what they really want to do in life; I'm living the dream.

How do you stay so slim?

A steady diet of five restaurant meals a day plus the odd four and a half hour, 20 course extravaganza supplemented by enough champagne to stun an ox keeps me at my ideal weight.

You started your writing career as an amateur on the internet. Would you recommend that as route to others?

The internet is a fantastic place - it has helped to create a worldwide community of dangerous, bitter, obsessive sociopaths who may otherwise have never met. They provide the perfect audience for the nascent food writer.

What is your daily writing routine?

It's important for any writer to have a rigorous routine and I'm no different. I begin everyday with at least an hour session of staring at my laptop screen, breaking out in a cold sweat and wondering how the hell I got myself into this situation. I then break for coffee as it's important to allow the creative process to get to work in the subconscious mind. The rest of the morning is spent worrying about my financial situation and clicking the refresh button on gmail. If I have time, I may comb my spam folder for investment opportunities from my new chums in Nigeria that I would otherwise have missed. I then break for lunch as its impossible, not to say dangerous to write on an empty stomach.

In the afternoon I'll usually write the first draft of a begging letter to my bank manager or utilities supplier, or maybe go over begging letters I've written the day before. I'll then break for coffee, always aware of the need to allow those creative juices to flow. By mid afternoon I'll be ready to undertake some vital internet research, catching up with the most recent postings on obsessivesociopathfoodie.com or by reading the latest spoof restaurant reviews in the nationals. More coffee (must let the subconscious mind breathe!) and then it's down to the hard graft of the day - negotiating an extension on my deadlines. By 5.30pm I'll be utterly exhausted by my efforts and call it a day, knowing that I'll have to climb the Everest we writers call "the creative urge" all over again tomorrow.

What's your favourite restaurant?

The next one.

How do you avoid being spotted when reviewing restaurants?

As most front of house staff in the UK wouldn't even recognise the sainted Fay Maschler if she walked up to them and said "Hello I'm the sainted Fay Maschler, restaurant critic of the London Evening Standard and I'm here to review your restaurant", retaining my anonymity when required has never been a problem. However, that hasn't prevented me from dressing up as former New York Times restaurant-critic-in-disguise Ruth Reichel whenever I step out of the house, but that's another story entirely.

What makes a meal in a restaurant great?

Butter and alcohol.

You were a contestant in the 1997 series of Masterchef. So what's Loyd Grossman really like?

Loyd Grossman is really rich. Mainly because you can't be arsed to make your own tomato sauce (fry chopped onion and garlic until soft, throw in a can of chopped tomatoes, season with salt and pepper, add a splodge of tomato ketchup and a bit of sugar and simmer very slowly 40 minutes. Add torn basil at the last minute and serve. You too could be a multi-millionaire).

As well as food and restaurants, you're also a travel writer. What are your top insider tips for getting the best out of your trip?

Grin and bear it. Everything seems so much better if you accept that modern air travel has become a less attractive proposition than root canal treatment without anaesthetic and there's not a thing you can do about it.

Where's the most exotic place you've visited so far?

I never expected to find myself in Leicester. Or Guiseley.